Friday, December 20, 2019

RIP Franklin Douglas Fuller



2015 family photo shoot

Oh, dear readers. It is with very heavy heart that I write the news of Doug's death on Tuesday, December 17. He was diagnosed with glioblastoma at the end of June, and left us just six months later. Yes, it was super fast. We had half the time together than I expected. But we are finding great comfort knowing he did not suffer any longer than he did. His last words were "UGH!!!" and "I don't want to do this anymore!!" - and he really hated being bed-bound and with zero agency.

[WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTO OF DOUG'S FINAL HOURS AT THE END OF THIS POST]

He was deeply cared for by so many leading up to his last few days. Yomi was with me as we helped sedate him after being so agitated and uncomfortable. I will forever be so grateful to him for his gentle bedside ways with Doug when I was only frustrated and angry.

Let's remember him this way

And Doug knew he was going to go this fast. He told me three weeks ago "I don't think I will make it to Christmas" which I really refused to believe. I wanted to punch anyone who suggested he might meet an earlier demise in the throat, actually. But he knew all along. I have been getting signs of this that prove he wanted it to be just this way to limit the suffering of him and us who surrounded him.

The tsunami of tributes on Facebook is amazing to behold. So typical that someone is so grandly recognized posthumously. By attempting to keep the news of his diagnosis off Facebook, many people had no clue he was even going through this. That is how fast it happened. And I am very sorry for those shocked by it now and learning about it on social media.

In late July- the bond they shared was so precious
But we are taking comfort knowing he was able to spend lots of quality time with blood and chosen family these six months, and we remapped our lives to make that a special experience for all.

There is so much to say, and Clara and I need to catch a plane to finally see my aging folks in North Carolina. Watch for a formal obit soon.

And yes, we are gathering very close friends and family from all points around the world for a very small church service to remember him soon. Due to space constraints, we must make this invite only, unfortunately. PLEASE KNOW that we are designing a proper festive event full of fanfare and celebration for him in a few months- just like he wanted- and we will welcome anyone who wants to be there at that time. For now, we need to circle the wagons to grieve while emotions are high and in a way that respects all the many sides of Doug Fuller.

How did he go? I know you want to know. The best news is that he waited for me to let him go. Per the direction of our amazing hospice nurses, he had been in a deeply sedated state for 24 hours, snoring with mouth open and wheezing and not waking up. I thought he would come out of it. And it was so creepy and upsetting to see him in that state.

At 5am, something moved me to come find him in the room we made up for him. Many suggested I tell him it was ok to go, to release him, and that Clara and I would be ok. So I did that. Thank you Molly, Sydney and Amani for this counsel. He opened his eyes for a moment, closed them shut, and gave me five more increasingly slower, labored breaths before he slipped away. I know he was waiting for me to be by his side, and I know that he heard me. And that is what is saving me from extreme hysteria right now. He did not die alone.

Rest in Peace and Power my dear, sweet husbear. I feel you still with us and can't stop crying and telling you how much I will miss you, something I wish I had the chance to say much more than I did.


Camp Tipsy tee and bow-tie



46 comments:

  1. Rest In Peace Doug. I’ll always remember the first joke you told me.
    What did sushi A say to Sushi B?
    Wasabi!

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  2. so sorry to hear this sad news...sending you and clara mae big hugs & prayers...i always loved dot net and he’ll forever be in my heart ❤️

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  3. Tears, Candace. Tears all around. We love you all so much.

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  4. Rest In Peace, beloved Ouchy. I’m so grateful for the many wonderful memories in the Klown Room, Doug behind the bar with some strange concoction and always a story behind it. You share a love and a bond that is truly unique and inspiring, Candace my dear sweet friend, I am so proud of your strength and bravery. I love you, Holding you and Clara in my heart.

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  5. Thank you for sharing. Doug was a unique human and many will never have the opportunity to come across someone so fantastic. I feel so very lucky to have met him and witnessed your love for each other - I marveled at your love and what seemed like a perfectly imperfect pairing. My heart breaks for you and CM's loss and grief. I have had a Bob Dylan song as near-constant ear worm since I read the lovely words that Bob McM wrote. Probably as a replacement for my own inability to write like Bob and some regret that I didn't know Doug better. When you're sad and when you're lonely, and you haven't got a friend
    Just remember that death is not the end
    And all that you've held sacred,
    falls down and does not mend
    Just remember that death is not the end
    Not the end, not the end
    Just remember that death is not the end

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    1. That really helps, Suzy. Thank you. And yeah, Bob is def helping me with his obit. So glad we've known each other from the start of it all.

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  6. Candace, thank you for being so generous with your news and experience, throughout his illness and at the end. It’s hard to share someone as beloved as Doug with so many people. I absolutely support you in creating space and boundaries to grieve him in the way that best suits you and Clara. Sending you all much love.

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  7. Candace, everyone who knew him is feeling the profound loss of such an incredible man. But I also just wanted to say that I have been in awe of your strength, grace and vulnerability throughout this difficult situation. You are truly amazing, and I send you so much love.

    Shari

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  8. Doug was truly one of a kind. I will miss him until the end of my days. Much love to you Clara and the kitties.

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  9. Big hugs and lots of love to you and Clara ❤️❤️

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  10. So very very sad to hear, Candy. Thinking of you and Clara.

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  11. Bless Doug's soul and great person, husband and father. I'm thinking of you and Clara, and sending you along with Doug's vibrant community love, strength and peace.

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  12. The first time I saw Doug, he was in full Ouchie, cracking a bullwhip while emceeing a Burning Man town hall alongside Larry. I'd never seen anything like it, or him ... and that was an indelible memory, a formative moment in my life (only the more so when I learned he was a real estate agent and family man as well — you CAN have it all!). I'm so happy I've had the opportunity to know Doug. He was a singular human being, and an inspiration, and he'll be missed. My thoughts are with you guys. <3

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  13. Thank you Candace for sharing his last moments. He was so deeply loved, as are you and Clara. Sending my love to you both.

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    1. I'm joining with EmYay to bring you all of the love from the diox/skwish fam.

      HFS THIS SUX.

      I'd rather be nicked by a straight razor in my privates. (Never happened.0 GFD.

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  14. Heart-wrenching story of how he left, but beautiful, too. (Just reading it made me cry). I'm so sorry for this terrible loss, but glad he waited for you to let him go & that he knew you were right by his side. One can't ask for anything better than that when one person has to cross over to the next realm & their partner has to say goodbye for now. Sending love & comfort to you & the rest of the family.

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  15. Doug was outstanding in his field.
    Love you Candace. Looking forward to huge hugs next time I see you.

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    1. Scatweazel, You gave me the best hug of all time at that rave soon after he was diagnosed. Next time I see you, please hold me like you did that time. It really helped me center.

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  16. I didn't know him, but I may have met him once or twice, so long ago [I remember he facilitated the Spring Town Hall in GGP in 2004.]
    & I adore Amani.
    Condolences.

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  17. I don't have any words, but yours are beautiful. Holding you in my thoughts very strongly.

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  18. In peace and power. I can feel that. Rest easy, his beloved.

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  19. RIP Doug. My deepest condolences...

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  20. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Sending you waves of support for you and your daughter. Hugs.

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  21. Candace, thank you so much for the touching family christmas photo and the one of Doug & Clara Mae. Thanks for your ability to share with us (not in the inner-circle) what Doug's last weeks/days were like, while in the depth of your own tears & grief. Blessings to you. Please be gentle with yourself. Take time to rest. Kaylynn

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  22. What she said… Ive been trying to articulate that but Shari nailed it.

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  23. Dear Candace,
    Thank you for sharing this intimate time with all of us. I’m so grateful you could be with Doug, and help release him. My heart is with you as you grieve. Sending you so much love, Julie

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  25. My thoughts and strength are with you and Clara. Toad was a force to reckon with and will be remembered fondly. I enjoyed him immensely. Hang in there. Xoxo

    Parting joke: what's brown and sticky? --- a stick

    ---heather lamkins

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  26. I'll never forget his response when I told him I found him terrifying and fascinating, he said "You're right". So sorry for the loss.

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  27. So much love and so many tears. Rest In Peace my friend and thank you for blessing us all with your humor, kindness and love. ❤️

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  28. Toad, Doug Fuller.. He was full, He was just that, he was FULL ON :)
    You both shared a full engaged, love for life and with much joy.
    My heart goes out to you both such a deep loss

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  29. I went to a semi formal Xmas party last night and dressed as Mrs Claus (as clownish as I could go) in honor of Doug. All purchased at Walmart, left the tags on and returned today!!
    Thanks Doug!

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  30. I am just hearing about this now. I'm so sorry Candace. I remember meeting him at the Lash Bash, and he helped put on my bow tie at the party. He was such a sweet funny and intelligent man. He will live on forever in your hearts

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  31. You have my deepest and most heartfelt love and sympathy and love... and love. And what does the old pirate say... I know Clara knows. "I'mmm-atey!"

    Strappy

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  32. I’m deeply saddened by this news & extremely sorry for your loss. Doug helped us get into our first house though there wasn’t much in it for him & it was a ton of work on his part. We will always be grateful for that. His devilish sense of humor helped immensely during the whole process. Wishing you a measure of comfort in being around others who held him dear. - Chelsea & Greg

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  33. so sorry to hear of his passing. we are playing all of his holiday mixes back to back, 20 hrs of music on Christmas day in his memory on shoutingfire.com (the year round BMIR)

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    1. Thanks, Bobzilla for playing it and keeping his spirit pumping to the beat.

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  34. 'Bye FDF! I'm sure glad I got the chance to know you!-Kellye

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  35. May we all embrace life the way he did. So sorry the final days were difficult, yet grateful your inner circle was there for you all. Much love to you and CM. I first heard this quote (Yeats) at my grandfather’s funeral: “Think where man’s glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such friends.”

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  36. Your love shines though every word Candy. Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking journey. I hope it was comforting to you and allowed to feel the love for Doug, you and Clara M in return. Love you!

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  37. Candace, I’m arriving late to this news, and my heart is broken, Thank you so much for sharing these intimate moments. I adored him, and he was a very important person to me at a formative time. He loved you SO SO much. My deepest deepest condolences.

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